I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t in pain.

When I was in my early teens, I was karate flipped over someone’s shoulder as a joke. It turned out to be a bad joke; I was knocked unconscious and taken to A&E. It turns out that I had hyper-extended my neck, tore up some muscles in my back and chipped a vertebrae.

I’ve been in chronic pain ever since. The level of pain varies. Sometimes it’s a dull ache between my shoulder blades. Sometimes the pain is so intense it radiates outwards until I wonder how anyone standing next to me can’t feel it too. And twice, the pain has been so bad I’ve been nearly paralyzed with it. My spine has grown into the wrong alignment but no amount of treatment has helped; and believe me I have tried nearly everything. My back always hurts.

Lately, I’ve been in more pain than ever; illness and depression have brought me to a dark and lonely place with physical and emotional pain. I have no energy or motivation right now. I’ve gained so much weight that my clothes don’t fit me anymore. I’m on medications that have side effects I have to deal with. I’ve been exhausted, lonely and struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

And then 6 weeks ago, I fell down a flight of concrete stairs and sprained my ankle. It’s been in pain ever since. I can barely even walk these days. And that has been the most frustrating thing of all.

This year has been a very dark year for me. I have been battling the worst bout of depression I have ever been through. The week I fell down the stairs I was starting to feel that going for long walks would be something I could enjoy again. Then that was taken away from me. My ankle is still swollen and sore. My physiotherapist isn’t concerned; it is healing at the normal rate. I just have to be patient. But I’m not patient. I am frustrated and angry and disappointed.

I go back to the physiotherapist in two weeks. He might let me get on the stationary bike. It’s sad how much I’m looking forward to that.

That’s my reality and truth right now. I just can’t find it in me to see any lesson in this; or to see any positive spin I can put on this. It’s how I feel right now. I’m not writing about this to gain sympathy or encouragement. I guess I’m just writing this to keep it real. I’ve always been honest on my blog and where I’m at right now is no different.

I want to be healthy again. I want to be happy again. I want to be running, active and fit again. I want to be This Fat Girl Runs again.