Wow. It’s been almost two years since my last post. I hadn’t realized it has been that long. It’s definitely time for an update!
You’re probably aware I’ve been struggling with illness, physical and mental, over the past number of years. My recovery has been excruciatingly slow and painful.
It’s hard to keep up a running blog when I’m not running. I can’t run, not now and I miss it like crazy. I’ve been seeing so many posts about upcoming races, spring and summer are always full of them and I miss being a part of the excitement. This recovery is taking so much longer than I thought it would.
I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t in pain.
When I was in my early teens, I was karate flipped over someone’s shoulder as a joke. It turned out to be a bad joke; I was knocked unconscious and taken to A&E. It turns out that I had hyper-extended my neck, tore up some muscles in my back and chipped a vertebrae.
I’ve been in chronic pain ever since. The level of pain varies. Sometimes it’s a dull ache between my shoulder blades. Sometimes the pain is so intense it radiates outwards until I wonder how anyone standing next to me can’t feel it too. And twice, the pain has been so bad I’ve been nearly paralyzed with it. My spine has grown into the wrong alignment but no amount of treatment has helped; and believe me I have tried nearly everything. My back always hurts.
I am not ok.
We are all made up of a mind, body and spirit. When one gets broken, the others can be a part of what helps lift a person back up again. But when all three come under pressure, sustained and prolonged pressure, then break all at once…like Humpty Dumpty it seems impossible that the mind, body and spirit can be put back together again.
I’m in that place right now. And while I know it’s ok to not be ok, I’m currently getting the help I need to get out of it. But in between appointments, and specialists and treatment and medication, there are things I have to take responsibility for and begin to change in order to be whole again.
Sometimes, I compare myself to others and spiral into negative thoughts about myself. Here’s how I get out of it!
Shall I compare thee?
Vlogging about my recent body composition test.What happened, what were the results and what am I going to do with the information?
What is This Fat Girl made of?
I just posted my third video log, talking about my attitude towards food (particularly as a runner) and inviting you to help keep me accountable.
Are you gonna eat that?
In other news, I am working on my next running post about my recent gait analysis and will post that tomorrow. It was a fascinating experience!
My second video log, giving a little bit of my history; where I’m at, how I got here and where I want to go.
Where to I begin?
Stepping way way outside my comfort zone and starting a video log to continue on my fitness journey. I’ll keep my running blog about running, but my video log will be about fitness, fatness, weight loss, body image and more! Subscribe to my channel for notifications when I upload a video. Hope to see you there!
To Vlog or not to Vlog
I think I should explain why Dr. Jekyll is my negative voice and Mr. Hyde the positive one when it seems like it should be the other way around. (See my latest race report for context).
Personally, I’ve always thought Jekyll was the jerk. He was too ashamed of himself to be himself and created Hyde so he could literally get away with murder. In my mind, Jekyll is not a nice guy. Hyde, on the other hand, knew who he was and did what he did and didn’t let anything stop him or hold him back. Ok, in the story he did awful things but I always remember that he only did them because they were what Jekyll secretly wanted to do but didn’t have the guts to do.
So for me, my negative voice is Jekyll and the positive voice is Hyde. I might be the only person this makes sense to but there you have it!