It’s hard to keep up a running blog when I’m not running. I can’t run, not now and I miss it like crazy. I’ve been seeing so many posts about upcoming races, spring and summer are always full of them and I miss being a part of the excitement. This recovery is taking so  much longer than I thought it would.

I’m in the worst shape of my life; I’ve gained so much weight and lost all my fitness. I hate it. I hate that a 20 minute walk leaves me weak, tired and needing to sit down. I hate that going up and down stairs leaves me breathless.  I hate that I had to go buy new clothes in a bigger size.

I miss running so much.

I’m in such bad shape, and with injuries taking their time to heal, running isn’t an option yet. I’ve been trying to get walking in but it’s probably not enough. I’m also still struggling with the same issues, illness and depression that have been plaguing me for years.

I feel like years have been stolen from me and I have nothing to show for them. All that training and work I put in, before and after the marathon; wasted.

I’m frustrated and angry and disappointed at how things have turned out, at what has happened to me, at myself. I feel like I’m ball in a pinball machine; I have no control or purpose other than to reel from one thing to the next. It’s not a nice feeling.

I just want it to stop. I want my body back. I want my motivation back. I want my life back.

Is that too much to ask?