Wow. It’s been almost two years since my last post. I hadn’t realized it has been that long. It’s definitely time for an update!

You’re probably aware I’ve been struggling with illness, physical and mental, over the past number of years. My recovery has been excruciatingly slow and painful.

One thing that people may not realize is how mental health issues can affect a person physically. The mind and body are so interconnected that it’s inevitable one will affect the other.

For me, that has meant I have very little energy, my sleep is ineffective and my body is in constant pain.

It feels like everything, I mean everything, is exhausting. I’m like a car being driven on nearly empty, and only being filled with €5 worth of gas at a time. It can only get you so far.

Obviously, I’m still not running. Good god I miss running! I remember the feeling of strength and power that I got when I went for a run. The pride of achieving a milestone, the fun of meeting other runners at races. I miss that so much.

I’m not able to run right now. I find even walking is a struggle, and I’m almost ashamed to admit that. Because of my illness, medication and yes lack of motivation, I have gained well over 50kgs from my marathon weight. 50kgs is a lot of weight and my body is under a lot of strain because of it. All my aches and pains are magnified, my energy levels are lower than ever and the awkwardness of being so big makes me incredibly self-conscious. If I won the lotto, I would sign up for weight loss surgery in a heartbeat.

So, I’m fatter than ever, unable to run and still recovering from my mental health illness. I’m exhausted all the time, discouraged about my body and struggling to remember and practice the coping strategies I’ve been learning.

But.

Yes, there is a but. Because in spite of all that, I think I’m doing ok. With everything going on in my life right now, including some upcoming stressful changes, I’m coping a lot better than I would have three years ago. When there once was a time I could only cling to the hope my friends and family had for me, I finally feel hope for myself. My friends tell me they can even hear it in the sound of my voice and a light in my eyes.

I know I’m not able to run right now, but I am hoping that one day soon I will be.

I hope.