The past few months have been really shitty. Pardon my language. It’s not that anything particularly bad happened, but depression doesn’t need a tragedy to rear it’s ugly head. Having said that, life isn’t great at the moment either. I’m struggling with certain pressures both in work and in my personal life, pressures that I could cope with more easily if it weren’t for being depressed.

I’m still struggling but I’m getting better. I have good days now, whole days where I feel hopeful and bright and energetic. I treasure those days. When my depression is really bad those moments are reduced to mere minutes and those rarely. So this is an improvement.

I’ve taken advantage of that and decided on a plan of action for the year ahead. I’ve talked it over with my coach and we’re both hopeful that this will be just what I need to get my love of running back.

I call it Project Gazelle and it’s not about running.

I mean, it IS about running ultimately, but for the time being running is being put on the back burner.

Project Gazelle is about getting lighter, leaner and fitter. I have to lose weight. For my own good, for my running, for my peace of mind. I’m not happy with my body, it’s letting me down and I can’t run the way I want to. So it’s time to change that.

I’ll still run, short easy runs throughout the week but my main priority right now is getting my S&C back, the strength and conditioning that I’ve let slide since December. In 2014 I started going to a personal trainer, Michael English, and found I really enjoyed the workouts. My running really benefited from Michael’s training and it’s a big part of how I was able to run the Dublin City Marathon in 2015. Unfortunately, and for budgetary reasons, I’ve had to give up the personal training. That was in early December and I haven’t had a workout since.

Except for this weekend.

I’ve found a gym that has an affordable weekend membership that is close to where I live. Last weekend I went to check it out and get an assessment.  This weekend I went for my first two workouts, one arms day and one legs day.

I realized how much I missed working out. It’s tough, really tough and it’s particularly hard to be on my own with no one encouraging me to work harder; just one more rep, you can do it, you’ve got this! On my own, it could be so easy to do one less rep, or skip a move or use a lighter weight; with no one watching there’s no one to know.

So unexpectedly, it wasn’t just my body that got a workout this weekend, it was my mind too; my mental discipline and inner motivation. I didn’t miss any reps, and although I did use a lighter weight for some of the moves I didn’t skip any of them.

Project Gazelle won’t be easy. I’m going to have to be more mindful about what I eat, more disciplined about getting to the gym and working out, and more aware of my motivations and how they are affecting me.

I’ll blog again about Project Gazelle, in particular about the motivation behind my wanting to lose weight, and a few thoughts I have about being a fat girl working out in a gym full of fit people. If there’s anything you want me to talk about, ask! I think you all know by now that I don’t hold anything back; I’m as honest with you as I am with myself! Comment below, tweet me or message me on facebook.  You may even see me on instagram soon too.

Before I sign off; if you’re struggling with lack of motivation, or depression or both…take a deep breath. Just breathe. Breathe again. It’s ok. You are ok. You will get your motivation back. You will be free of depression one day. Just keep breathing. Take it one breath at a time. You’ll be ok. We both will.